Nudgeman's Boxing Day Bonanza
#1
Nudgeman’s Boxing Day Bonanza 2016


_________________________________________________________

“You’re getting proper lazy in your old age Nudgeman. Are you going to lounge about on that rock all day and night?”

“Of course Robin. ‘tis the time of year for lounging around, eating junk, not hitting one’s macros and generally doing nothing much at all. I could of course fire up the Nudgemobile, pootle around the sales, fight the forces of evil and pinch a few quid off Betcoms, but nah, I’m happy with my feet up…..”

“I was impressed, if a little bit disbelieving in firing up the old banger, bothering to go shopping, even fighting the forces of evil….meh….perhaps, but pinch a few quid on Betcoms? Pull the other one, that cape is cutting off the blood supply to your head, you’re not thinking straight…”

“Yeah I’m happy watching a few You tube videos, this one isn’t at all bad, fetch me my reserve of single nudge whisky please Robin, oh yes, this one by The Bandit isn’t at all bad, great little channel.”

“The Bandit? Who is that then? What’s so good about the channel?”

“Have a watch Robin, tidy editing, dry sense of humour, totally down to earth, named after a famous snooker player, runs a fair few good promos, no bullshit, regular uploads, good variety of on line slot play action, he’s on quite a winning streak as well.”

“Winning streak eh? The Jackpot Joker will not be amused if he has seen his channel then, he doesn’t like anyone winning, particularly not on the Internet you know, that is his area these days.”

“Oh he is full of hot air that guy, what is he going to do about it? These days I hear he needs his medications and inhalers just to get down to do his local bits, Internet my arse”

“Well he reckons he has some crafty insider hacks for loads of websites, reckons he’s the only one on it, says he is millions up this year off that alone…..”

“Yadda yadda sounds like every other mouthy player then….let him have his boast, if you didn’t listen to his self important nonsense I doubt we’d ever have to deal with him ever again. I doubt he can even afford the Internet that guy is such a deadbeat, certainly not a credible super villain these days”.


___________________________________________________________

Nudgeman cranked up the volume on his Nudge pad, popped his Nudge phones over his Nudge ears and Nudged himself into a comfy position on the Nudge rock.


“Hi guys, Welcome to this boxing day special. Now today we have a very special promotion. I’m on Casumo today and I’ve deposited £1000 of my own money. No bonus this time as the wagering is off the scale. So I’ve put down a grand of my own hard earned cash and here is the deal. To make this vid a bit more exciting I’m going to be doing some slightly larger stakes, but whatever I’m up OR indeed down at the end of the video, I’m going to be giving that amount of money away guys. So If I have a balance of £2000 at the end of the video, I’m going to be giving out £1000 to some of you who fit the criteria that I shall explain to you in just a bit. Likewise if I lose that £1000 and then redeposit another £1000 and lose that as well, then I’ll be giving away a further £2000 on top of that. Now you might say, ok that’s all well and good, but if you finish the video on £1002 or £998 for argument‘s sake, then that will make for a rather crap promotion and you’d be right, so I’m not going to do that. So ten minutes before the end of the video I’m going to go on Fruit Warp. Not on £5 spins, no way. Not even £10 or £20. We’ve done that. Nope I’m going to be going full brains ahead and £50 minimum spins until I’m £500 at least up or down, just to make the prize decent, so that it’s fair for you guys who support this channel. How am I going to distribute the prize? Well all you need to do is deposit £20 at Casumo and play through £20, making sure you sign up through the link in the description of this video. Furthermore, if you haven’t subscribed, make sure you do so now. Lastly, if you haven’t watched my other videos, have a little watch of some of them now and leave a comment. Then you’re in. You qualify for today’s bonus. That’s all you need to do. If you do that, you’re guaranteed a share of the money. No quibbles, just fulfil the criteria and you get paid. It’s that easy. OK without further ado I’m going to start spinning and bring you back shortly, hopefully, for the first bonus.”

_____________________________________________________________________________

  
“Ok Guys, he has taken the piss a bit on £3 spins, but old steamy has landed. As you can see the balance has taken a bit of a battering, down in the £800 region already, but that’s the nature of today’s video. I’m only gambling what I can afford, I can afford this, I’ve got the bonus, sit back and enjoy, let’s take these quick spins off and here we go.”

The spins rattled industriously away without so much as a three of a kind win or a green symbol.

“Green you bastard, come on Steamy, don’t mug me off with a zero bonus…..thank God, a green”

Perhaps this was the turnaround, a run of greens, a few big paying symbols on a multiplier, perhaps even a surprise top of the tower?
However what happened next was shocking, ‘Steamy’ shot his grappling hook up to the next level and started to haul himself up when the hook slipped off and the feature ended.

“What the fuck? Seriously man what the actual fuck? I’ve just caught that on video as well. Steamy you cheating fucking twat. You dirt bag, no way did I think he could do that and he didn’t even give me my two spins either. I’ve been right mugged off there, that’s it! This game is going on the never again list. Fuck you Steamy. I’m drawing a line under that, seriously man, that’s proper tilt juice right there. I will be back.”


“OK guys we’re back, sorry about all the swearing there, I’ve calmed down a bit but that was a BAD wake the baby bonus, the first losing wake the baby bonus ever and hopefully the last. I’ve come over to the Captain, hopefully he’ll turn things around. 100 spins on auto play, let’s hope to hit a bonus, hopefully I’ll be back soon with three ships wheels.”

“Well, there’s the message, auto play has stopped. That was £100 spins on £4 and old Captain Venture has been pretty brutal. Look at the balance. We’re in the £400 region now. Not good. Not going well. We’ll have five live and then I’ll move on.”

Four spins on nothing. The fifth spin, the last spin loomed. What are the chances? 

“The chances are good! A Captain Venture bonus on £4, come on game, you need to pay me fucker, retriggers going sick. Come on let’s go….”

A couple of small wins for £8 or so then a one….two…….surely?…THREE for the retrigger, very nice…the wheel span around and stopped smoothly in +20.……very nice……but why stop there? The very next spin….one…two…three….four wheels!

“Oh yes! This has officially gone sick….come on Captain, give us that +20 spins again…..ho ho ho….he’s only gone and actually give me another twenty spins….complete sicko……come on now pay me fucker…..£16 spin….I’ll take that…..one….two…..surely must be a retrigger…..no you bitch, still plenty of time….oh again….ONE,TWO….come on THREE YES!!! Right let’s have another +20, although I’d even take +12...just avoid that +10 or wait….what the? WHAT THE? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!? THERE’S a MINUS FIFTY SPINS, that has never been there….no way….fuck off man…..no way……no way…….it has only gone and landed. Shit man, Novomatic you’re off my Christmas card list for next year you horrible bastards….ok so that paid a bit but how totally wounding man, that’s incredible when you get the spins you should be given them, that is low. Seriously man that had so much potential as well. Still it was a bonus bonus so I shouldn’t grumble, I’ll take it on the chin. I will be back.”

And he was. With some scatters on Secret of the Stones.

“Ok guys. £6 spins on Gandalf and he has been a complete bearded belled, look at my balance. If that was a float down the seaside, I wouldn’t have enough to force out a Tupenny Nudger. Yes he has proper had me off, but we’ve got the bonus and it’s Mike from Loughborough picking today. He wants left of the tree, Gandalf’s penis stone and one of my choosing, so let’s crack on…..I’ll choose first let’s go bottom left……OK *2 multiplier, that’ll do….we just need a wild now……left of tree…..YES It’s a WILD, a…a……a….BELL WILD hmmmmm, seriously man? Right let’s try the penis stone…….WILD REEL SIX……again what on earth is up with these slots today? I didn’t know there was a reel six. You better pay me Gandalf you tight twat. Take these quick spins off.”

The spins counted on by, obviously the BELL WILD was absent and the chances of a connection with reel six were non existent. The multiplier was about as much use as a box 23 on a Betcom. 

“OK guys, I got mugged off big time there, but I’m going to have a chat with Casumo, get a reload in and on we go….”

“Right then, I’m back with another grand in the tank. I’ve just had a chat on line with a very friendly customer representative, a pleasant chap by the name of Jackson Jones,  reassured me that whilst I’ve experienced some rather unusual luck today, apparently everything is ok and the doom switch is in the off position within my account. Anyway I want another feature on Secret of the Stones, to get that list down a bit, so I will return.”

“Ouch. Gandalf is obviously feeling the pinch after Christmas as the cheeky twat has charged me £500 for a bonus but it is £6 a spin this session and I did have a few reasonable roll ins but look guys, not three, nor four scatters but FIVE scatters, so whoever said in the comments that it can’t do five. Well it can and I’m hoping, desperately needing to get paid as I’m £1500 in at this point. Now as it’s five picks I’ve decided I’m getting the wife to do the picking. Come on you stupid slag….pick us a good one you daft bitch. Ouch!. WILD REEL TWO. Great picking wife, keep it up you sexy wench. UUFT that was a good dig to my ribs but not as good as WILD REEL FOUR…..keep it up you err wife, best not continue with the insults as I need my ribs to…..X2 multiplier you beauty…..come on wife two more picks…….PLUS 10 SPINS I’ll take it! Last spin…..a wild of some sort preferably not bell wild though or candle wild…..BLUE GOAT thing WILD that’ll DO nicely. PERFECT PICKS. Chance for a serious recovery here. Come on wife, take the quick spins off and let’s pay the mortgage off you dozy err lovely woman.”

With horror upon horror the connection wasn’t made even with two full wild reels and a wild symbol. In fact a three of a kind was nigh on impossible.

“No this is not happening. This is not happening. I am lost for words. I’m seriously not joking when I say the monitor is going out the window if this carries on paying me nothing.”

The spins counted down, 5-4-3-2.….

“Last spin and the bonus is at zero. I’m surprised and not surprised at the same time but nonetheless very fucking angry.”

The video cut out


_________________________________________________________________________________

“There’s something odd going down on The Bandit’s video tonight Robin”

“Sign of the times. Phil Mitchell has a grey beard these days.”

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Nope. Not really”



_______________________________________________________________________


“Hi guys. I’m back. I’ve had a drink. I’ve taken a couple of diazepam. Thanks to the wife. She managed to pull me back from throwing the monitor through the window. That’s no mean feat given my size, I don’t know how she did it, but she has got me back on track and we can continue. So thanks to the wife. I’ve tried to contact Casumo but when I got through to the helpline there was a technical problem and I could only hear the manic cackling of what sounded like a cartoon villain. So I’ll try again later, but I will be having words.”

“I was going to play Book of Dead, but I couldn’t cope with a 9 or an old boot or whatever coming in as the bonus symbol, so I’m playing safe. It’s Wonky Wabbits on £10 spins. Shit or bust. The game can’t do me over in some weird or wonderful way. It’s such a simple game. So I may as well keep you live as I play this last £500 through. Look on the bright side guys, those of you who fulfil the bonus criteria are getting paid big. It’s as simple as that. Right let’s go.”

Wonky Wabbits played quite fair the one and two wild wins keeping things ticking over….

“Well I think I’m due for a three wild win. The balance has taken a hammering so we need it to happen soon, fifty, forty, thirty, twenty, ten……well last spin…what are the chances?”


In an unexpected blur, a big mass of purple appeared on the screen, not one, two or even three, but SEVEN yes SEVEN wilds!!!!


“I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!!!! WIFE!!!!! WE’VE PAID THE MORTAGE OFF!!! WAKE THE BABY!!! MY LUCK HAS FINALLY COME THROUGH!!!!!! GET IN THERE!!!!! SEVEN WILDS!!!!”

The rabbits started poking through. No messing. No wilds out in the field. No fake wilds. No trickery just a pure screen of all wilds bar one carrot.

“Beautiful. That is getting uploaded to my Twitter feed for sure. In fact I think I’m the first to capture that phenomena….err……what is that? Sounds like a tractor, is that in the game? Or down the street, let me take these headphones off…..”

However it was drowned out by the wins clocking up straight up to six digits this win was many, many, many thousands. The subscribers rejoiced, The Bandit rejoiced, even the baby got a tot of whisky in his milk, the bonus was immense, the day had been made, the video was epic, dirty massive losses equalled up and bettered big style by this…….

BUT

The tractor noise got louder

AND LOUDER

Until it drowned out the winning music as the coins were being thrown in the air

LOUDER STILL

And then an evil looking character on a tractor appeared on the screen ploughing up the wilds and massacring all the wonky wabbits. Blood spurted over the screen and the bonus was reduced to zero.

“WHAT    THE      ACTUAL      HOLY    FUCK?!??!?”


“Guys, I should have seen that coming! Too good to be true. Just give me a minute and I’ll restart. The evil farmer Giles has given me the biggest ever kick in the dick I‘ve ever had, yes wife even your regular kicks paled into insignificance there!”


_________________________________________________________________________________


Nudgeman sat bolt upright. He knew what he had to do. The instant that idiot on the tractor appeared he knew who it was. The Jackpot Joker had hacked the entire on line system at Casumo and was running rampant. He was going to drain the Bandit dry.

“Robin, fire up the high speed nudge portal, we haven’t got any time to waste. I think the Jackpot Joker has taken over Casumo and hypnotised The Bandit, possibly his wife and all his subscribers. I haven’t got any time to waste. All I need to do is reverse engineer the end to end 256 bit encryption portal, bypass real time hacker security whilst posing as a neutral worm within the bitcomms sub portal, enter through the back door via some innocent looking proxy code, fire a Trojan malware binary stream into the Jackpot Joker and exit without causing a system meltdown.”

“Sounds great, but aren’t you forgetting you can’t even set the timer on the cooker? That burnt turkey yesterday didn’t taste too pleasant”

“Bah, it was a stupid timer, no one reads the instructions I mean surely this hacking lark is a piece of piss…..don’t worry Bandit I’ll have you out of this mess before you can say click my affiliate link.”


______________________________________________________________________________


“Is that all you’re depositing?” mocked the wife, “a poxy £1000 for £100 spins on fruit warp. Put in 10k at least you tight sod, you can afford it, even if you can’t we’ll remortgage and sell the kid’s Christmas pressies. It’ll be fine. Get depositing!”

“OK guys, I’m back and I’m under orders from the wife. No more nonsense. Ten large ones on fruit warp max stake no nonsense. Rock ‘n Rolla crawl back under your rock. This Bandit isn’t done yet, I’m a mere 2k down ten to play…..let’s go….I’ll bring you back for the bonus…..or even…..leave you with me…..Fruit Warp on a ton a push, doesn’t get more exciting than this…..”

“Turn red turn red”
“Turn yellow turn yellow”
“One more prickly orange bastard you fucker!”
“Give us a green…pleeeease”

But it was costly, not hitting the warps and deep down The Bandit was not amazed at all when the last grand started to erode.

“What a fucker man, ten more spins and that’s it. Christmas, I got to say ruined. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, I guess I just wanted a bonus on max stake on fruit warp. I should have left I know, but I wanted a bonus, that’s all there is to it. I’m gutted. Not so much the money. I’ll survive, don’t worry about me. You’re all getting a payday as well loyal subscribers. So thanks for the subs and all the comments, well join me in this last spin now, watch the Bandit get a 12k Christmas spanking…..here goes nothing…….”

And with that


PITAYAS PITAYAS PITAYAS PITAYAS   


“TURN PINK FUCKER!!!”






And it did.







“Get in there…COME ON…..at least it’s on video…..PLEASE PLEASE don’t insta bin me.”


And it didn’t


“GET TO THE LIFE!”

And it did


“Don’t double bin me, PLEASE COME ON!”

It only single binned.


The base wins and multiplier action was immense. Thousands of pounds at a 40 multiplier. One more pitayas needed.


“Whatever happens this will be epic, it’s decent profit or a massive profit…….come on you pink bastard!!”


And from left to right orange, plum, cherry, kiwano, strawberry, prickly orange bastard

AND

PITAYAS



AND





BLACK HOLE





Yes. A black hole appeared and Fruit Warp warped away with the bonus leaving the Bandit starting at a message telling him that he needed to redeposit.






“Hi guys. I’m going to wrap this up. You’ll be seeing this video pretty much continuously but there has been quite a gap in time since I got mugged off by Fruit Warp. You see I did throw the monitor out the window whilst the wife went to the toilet. It hit a passer by on the head, hospitalized them and I’m now being sued to the tune of half a million. I went on a massive tilt. Remortgaged the house and sold the kid’s Christmas presents. The wife has kicked me out and I’m in Toddington services, not on line anymore. I just have my phone so as I can upload the rest of this and have one last shot at glory.”

“I’m on the Lucky Streak Deal or no Deal. I’ve loaded it up with £10. My last £10 in the entire universe. I’ll bring you back for the bonus.”

“OK, I’ve got the phones in view. Some bastard had left nudges saved up so it took the piss for the feature, almost the full tenner. Looks like I’m only getting £2. Better hope for a repeat. What are the  chances? NO good, the chances were bad. Well it’s dead in here. Best get a lottery ticket with that final £2. With my luck I suppose I’ll get the six numbers and then the bonus ball will be a fuck you ‘lose the lot‘. Still, may as well end the video penniless and broke. I’m on 10% battery, just enough to upload this and say thanks for all the subs and the support in the comments. If you haven’t already subbed, don’t bother, if you haven’t signed up through the link in the description, forget it. I promise I will sort you all out somehow with the money that is owed in the promotion. I will be in touch, but other than that, I think I’m pretty much done for….down and out….out on my ear…..kicked in the dick…..over and out guys. It has been emotional. Talking of which, I’m pretty choked up myself actually……..”



__________________________________________________________________________________


“Poor poor Bandit. He got taken to the cleaners Robin. I guess my hack wasn’t good enough”

“No I don’t suppose it was, trying to reverse the polarity of the Internet by wiring up the battery from the Nudgemobile -ve earth to positive was obviously only going to end with you getting a nasty shock, although not as nasty as that guy on the live lottery draw the other day”

“What are you on about?”

“Well the numbers came out 7-10-2-11-6-9, daft numbers, maybe not in that exact sequence but then the bonus ball was a LOSE.”

“You what?”

“Yeah a LOSE and as it came out this evil looking joker guy got sucked out the audience, into the bonus ball which smashed out of the machine and disappeared though a vent in the studio.”

“Sounds highly implausible”

“Well they had to use another machine and re draw and pretty much the same numbers came out again but without the dodgy bonus ball.”

“Great story, but I doubt it had any effect whatsoever on the poor Bandit and his subscribers. I feel quite sorry for the poor guy. Very likeable chap and reduced to absolutely nothing in a matter on minutes. Quite gruesome to watch. Oh well. I guess I’ll kick back and drink some more Nudge beer, watch the footy for a bit, look at this pre match commentary, they’re poking the cameras into the executive boxes, they won’t like….that…..wait……is that…..is that? Did my battery thing actually work…….?”


For inside the top level executive VIP box were Fenso and The Bandit wolfing back the fillet steak and drinking dry the finest reserves from the private bar before kick off. Fenso was weighed down with 24 carat gold chains and a Rolex and The Bandit had got his haircut. Everything had quite possibly worked out just fine. 

“Ah nothing like restoring the balance of justice eh?” Nudgeman boasted as he kicked back and watched the match unfold, “ I guess I better subscribe to his channel  now as well. Wouldn’t want to miss out on all that lovely moolah!”

And here ends this particular feature. 

Happy Christmas 2016 to you all.


The Nudgeman and Robin.
Reply
The following 5 users Like JG Sluts's post:
adamtheaddict, Cf, Fenso, HoveSam, jokepoteer
#2
Glad to see 2015 was not the end.... wd
Reply
The following 1 user Likes russthebus's post:
JG Sluts
#3
In real life George is just a 2 faced nob.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Reply
The following 2 users Like JP 24/7's post:
JG Sluts, megastreaklover01
#4
Great read... Thanks
Reply
The following 1 user Likes jokepoteer's post:
JG Sluts


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)